Saturday, November 28, 2009

If Only, If Only

Tonight in McKinleyville

It's time to pick up the Bitten Apple again, along with many other things that have fallen by the wayside lately in pursuit of ridiculous unattainable things.

I have been saying that hope is the thing that has allowed me to live through the last two unbelievably turbulent years.

Now I'm not really sure what keeps me moving forward, but it isn't hope.

I'm going to try to just accept life the way it is and stop working so hard to make it better.

The fruitless labor has been taking a tremendous toll on my physical and emotional health. For example, I have had the flu twice this fall. And I never sleep anymore. I cry every day.

Here is what is true for me: I can't leave this place because I have people here who need me, yet I am all alone all the time.

It would be a lot easier if I could just be put in suspended animation, only to be activated once a week or once a month when someone needs me for something.

I am trying to lay my dreams to rest. There is no point in dreaming.

You are probably getting weary of the endless poetry. Me too.

Poetry is just a way to encode pain so we can imagine ourselves as less pathetic. It is a way of clothing the naked, unglamorous truth of our pain. Pain is ugly, poetry is pretty.

By quoting poetry, we attempt to turn our own pain into art the way these poets and songwriters seem to have.

By Digging Roots

He said, "I'm doing fine, but I'm lonely."
He said, "I laid on the line, but she don't love me."

I hear it all the time, "If only... if only."

With all the people living in this world
Why are we still living lonely?

She said, "He's always by my side, why am I so lonely?"
She said, "All these years we tried,
But he still don't know me."

She's got to get outside. "If only... if only."

In a world full of people, a world full of people
Why are we still living lonely?


steviewren said...

So sorry you are feeling so lonely. Maybe things seems worse because you are overworked and over extended. Those two things always add up to me getting overwhelmed.

I do know what you mean about unfulfilled dreams etc. Sadly, I think the 1st part of my life was better than this last half. I'd like to change that, but I honestly don't know how. I have a job I abhor. I am only needed part-time. All of my grandchildren except one lives from 2 to 12 hours away....yada yada....But I have some good friends, hobbies I enjoy, a family that loves me. So I just try not to think about the disappointments.

Hope you feel better soon!

Indie said...

Stevie, I think you understand. You wrote "I am only needed part time." That is the problem.

When I was married, I felt settled down -- at least as much as someone like me can settle down.

But now I am standing at a crossroads. I will be finished with school soon, my divorce will be final soon, it will soon be time to re-invent my life.

Ordinarily, I would find this a very exciting time, a time full of possibilities. But what I really want is not available to me.

Anonymous said...

Have you talked with your health-care professionals? You seem to be seriously depressed. They may be able to help. Please try.

Vista de Peyote Cafe said...

hi again K...sorry you're so bummed, this last year marked the end (i think, tho i'm still floundering somewhat, or as usual) of a couple years of depression...something clicked and i cleaned my house for two is funny, if you want to be bored AND depressed read my blog Letters to My Therapist ( as i take you through weeks of house cleaning and reorganizing...

ok, hope you're better--a virtual hug for you, if not in person soon...

Vista de Peyote Cafe said...

PS i still remember the day i met you, gliding into the writing workshop with your shining blue eyes...

Anonymous said...

I think I probably ought to stop giving advice.

Indie said...

Instead of writing heartfelt blog posts and alarming all my friends, I should just write really sappy country-western songs.